


Rebuilding

by TheNugKing



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Friendship, Gen, I have no warnings selected but obviously marethari is dead in it, bonding over your mutual abuser, but also in that case i'm not sure this fic is for you, so warning for that if it upsets you ig
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 07:29:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20042206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNugKing/pseuds/TheNugKing
Summary: After Marethari's death, Arianni visits Merrill.





	Rebuilding

**Author's Note:**

> This fic discusses Marethari as an abuser and is the most Personal fic I've written so I'd appreciate if no one commented with any Marethari positivity.
> 
> I play with QuenchedSteel's Never Hostile Dalish mod, which is used as "canon" for this fic.
> 
> Warnings for discussion of abuse and gaslighting.

The Eluvian still isn’t fixed. The clan hates her. Marethari’s dead.

Merrill squeezes her eyes closed, curling up into a tight ball, hugging herself for the small amount of comfort that brings. It’s not as if she’s alone. She has friends who believe in her! She has Hawke and Isabela and Varric and they don’t tell her she’s wrong, and they stand behind her and that means _ everything _\- except none of that fills up the large hole inside her where her clan was.

It’s not as if it’s a new hurt. Marethari made sure Merrill knew she didn’t belong there six years ago, but she’d _ hoped _ she’d find her way back, that one day everything could go back to normal again. She’d known it never would. She’d known the clan would always listen to Marethari over her. She’d known, however much she hoped, that Marethari would never apologise. This is just confirmation.

It’s a relief, in a way. This moment has been a long time coming, and at least she doesn’t have to wait any more. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

There’s a knock on her door.

Merrill straightens herself out, getting up and wiping tears from her eyes, and forcing a smile onto her face. If it’s one of her friends, they’ll see through it soon enough, but at least for a little while she can try not to be a burden to them. If it’s someone from the Alienage, breaking down and crying on them would just be awkward for everyone.

Her smile is replaced by surprise when she opens the door. She hadn’t expected to see Arianni in the Alienage again, now that she was accepted back to the clan, and certainly not knocking on her door.

“I, ah, still had some things to pick up from my house.” Arianni shifts awkwardly, so at least Merrill’s not the only one. “May I come in?”

“I suppose so. If you’d like.” Merrill moves over to clear a space at her table warily, Arianni following behind. Arianni’s from the clan. Marethari’s given her a lot of reasons to hate Merrill. But she doesn’t seem to hate her right now, so perhaps… No. No more hoping. Not now. “Sorry the place is such a mess. I’ve been…” curled up in a ball crying, most of the time. But that’s not the sort of thing you tell casual acquaintances.

“It’s fine.” Arianni sits in the chair opposite her, and fiddles with a stray thread of her dress. “We just had Marethari’s memorial ceremony.”

“Oh.” There’s an uncomfortable pause. “I don’t suppose I would have been welcome there.”

“I- no. Everyone seemed to believe a lot of very unpleasant things about you.”

Of course they did. Of course Maretheri had lied about her to everyone. Pol had run towards a varterral to get away from her after Maretheri had lied to him. Was it really lies? Maybe Marethari was right. Maybe she really did know better, maybe Merrill really was too immature, too caught up in her passions, couldn’t see the truth clearly the way Marethari had…

“But none of it matched up with what I knew of you from the Alienage,” Arianni continues, staring down at her hands. “You were always so sweet and helpful, and you tried so hard to make sure no one ever got hurt. I remember you coming round knocking on all our doors one time, warning us not to accept any offers made to us in our dreams that night, because your Champion friend had tracked a demon to the area. I couldn’t believe you’d endanger the clan like that. I thought I should hear your side of the story, at least.”

There’s a lump in Merrill’s throat, and tears stinging in her eyes again and it feels like a door she thought was closed has swung open, but it’s too much to hope… “I never wanted anyone else in danger,” she says quietly. “I never… I had a plan to deal with the demon, and if it went wrong, only I would get hurt. But Marethari didn’t trust me, and she thought she knew better, even after _ all _ the research I did…” Merrill takes a breath, reigning in her anger. “I never meant for her to get hurt! She used to mean so much to me, I _ hate _that we fell apart, I just want her back, I…”

There’s a hand on her arm and then Arianni is slowly and hesitantly pulling her in for a hug and patting her back gently. Just as hesitantly, Merrill wraps her arms around her.

“I believe you.”

They’re the best three words Merrill has ever heard.

Arianni releases her and gives a tearful smile. “I keep thinking about what she said when I asked if I could come back to the clan. She said it was me who chose to stay away, and she was so _ accepting _ of taking me back. I kept thinking that maybe I’d just made a big fuss about everything, when I left, maybe I was just being irrational and she’d never really wanted me gone. But when I think back…

“I don’t think she ever directly told me to leave. She just kept talking about how _ hard _ it would be for the clan, having a human child among them, how looking after my son and me would be a burden on everyone.” Arianni snorts. “At least until she realised how _ powerful _ Feynriel was, and then she wouldn’t let him go. But before that, she made me feel like I didn’t belong, and she told the rest of the clan how difficult I’d make life for them, which turned them against me too, and it made me think I had to leave.” 

“And you feel like you can’t talk to anyone else!” says Merrill. “You don’t know what she’s _ said _ to them about you, and if you say a _ word _against her, they all might turn on you for trying to cause trouble. And then you feel you might as well leave like she wants, because staying there, you still don’t belong. It’s still all just so, so…”

“Isolating.” Arianni sighs. “I suppose at least this way, we can pretend we chose it.”

Merrill lets out a breath, and several tears with it. “_Thank you._ Thank you for telling me this, lethallan. I thought I was alone, and that she might be right.”

“So did I. I think she lied more than any of us realised.”

“Do you think she knew? That she was lying?” Merrill doesn’t know if that would make it better or worse. She wants Marethari to be better than she imagined, to still be to be the person she had good times with long ago. She wants Marethari to be worse, a cackling villain who never cared, so that hating her could be easy. “She always seemed so _ sure _that she was right.”

“I don’t know. I think she lied to herself too.”

They sit there in silence for a few moments, but it’s stopped feeling awkward now. Merrill can almost ignore the hole inside her because her body feels so_ heavy _with relief and vindication now. It’s not just her. She’s not imagining it. Someone who knew Marethari believes Merrill instead. Someone who was closer to Marethari than she ever was to Merrill believes her! Merrill’s not wrong. And she’s not so alone.

“I wish I’d talked to you sooner,” Merrill says, eventually. “It would have helped so much! But I didn’t think you liked me.” _ Marethari made me think I wasn’t likeable. _

“So do I! I didn’t know_ what _ you were doing here in the alienage at first, but I couldn’t stop worrying what you must think of me, growing up around Marethari.” Arianni gives a small smile. “I’m glad I doubted her enough to come here. I spent a long time second guessing myself, wondering if she was lying about _ me _, but I couldn’t quite believe it until I realised she was lying about you too. I just wish she hadn’t kept us apart for so long.”

Merrill still can’t hope that the clan will let her go back, that the rest of them will believe her. But she’s not facing them alone anymore. And either way, whether they let her back or send her away forever, both outcomes seem easier now. “Would you like to stay for supper?” she asks Arianni.

Arianni smiles, and Merrill lets herself accept that she at least has another friend now. “I’d love to.”

***

Merrill and Arianni have supper together, and afterwards, Arianni asks Merrill about her Eluvian, and listens as Merrill rambles on about it excitedly. She goes back to Sundermount the next day, but she keeps visiting Merrill regularly. Sometimes, they talk about Marethari, about how she hurt them and how they miss her and how they’re still hurting now and how they’re getting better. More often, they talk about nicer, easier things and just enjoy each other’s company.

Anders blows up the Chantry. Meredith declares the Right of Annulment. Hawke and Merrill and the rest of their friends defend the mages. Meredith turns into a statue. It feels like everything’s come to an end.

But life continues after that. Merrill continues to study elven history and try to fix the Eluvian, but it doesn’t feel as urgent now. It’s still important, of course, and fun too, but the part of her that _ had _ to fix it to prove she was right is gone; she doesn’t need it any longer. She lets herself take a step back, and spends more time with the other elves in the alienage, because she’s not as unlikable as she thought, and she helps them out and makes more friends. She continues to grieve for Marethari, and then tries to stop herself, and then lets herself, and then in time the grief starts to fade. Arianni keeps visiting, and eventually, Merrill starts visiting Sundermount too.

A lot of the clan still don’t like her at first, a lot more are still suspicious. But people start talking about Marethari more and more. About how she put down their ambitions or their interests. About how when she hurt them she wouldn’t apologise and then made them feel like they were in the wrong for it. About how she lied to them to keep the clan running the way she wanted it. About how she isolated them, and made them feel like they couldn’t speak out. Merrill’s never been as alone as she’d thought she was, she realises. And more and more people start accepting her.

She doesn’t stay. It’s been six years, and she has a new life in Kirkwall now, and a new community in the alienage. But it’s nice to go home sometimes, and the hole inside her is filled again. When the clan moves on, Merrill is able to say goodbye properly, and there’s hugs and crying and promised to return within the decade. Arianni gets hugs and crying and promises too, and moves back to her house in the alienage, and it’s_ so _ good to be friends with her now. Merrill’s angry at Marethari for keeping them apart so long, but it’s surprisingly gratifying that her isolating the two of them was what eventually brought them together. 

Merrill still feels conflicted when she thinks about Marethari. She still misses her. But mostly, she feels relief. Whatever Marethari said and did, she’s gone now, and in the end, Merrill, Arianni, Clan Sabrae, everyone she hurt - they’re all free, and able to rebuild, and be stronger than ever. In the end, everything Marethari took from her, Merrill gets back.


End file.
